Thursday, December 22, 2011
The need to forgive
As I read more and more about this disorder, the sadder I feel about not being able to see it earlier. As I read the post by "jewel" it as if we are kindred spirits. I felt a veil lift off of me, for I am feeling and going through the exact same devastation she posted. To top it off, or as my NPG husband would say"the coup de grace" is He knows how sentimental I am around the holidays and plays this N game (yes I have finally accepted that he was toying with me, playing God, always forgiving me, supposedly for all my transgressions, when in reality, all he did was not care--what a act. Funny how I felt so much pity yesterday for him, yet he doesn't "feel",
I am trying to make the best of our Christmas, preparing for Jesus, for he truly is the one who saves and heals all of us. god puts people in our path for a reason and Kathy's blog is spot on!I am finding more women, like me, who through their sharing, are helping me and my child to understand this "perfect good guy" who doesn't even call his child, who is punishing me (like jewel, he mentally, emotionally, financially, verbally abused) top that off with sexual abuse. I have been with my N husband for 21 years, we lived together for 2.7 years prior to being married. He told me cool,controlled, methodically, about wanting to be separated, how "this" relationship "served" him in his youth but no longer serves him now, he said " I have evolved' I am on a different path".
Noticing the key words "this" and "serve" instead of "our" and "shared" it was a one sided, non reciprocal relationship. I grew up, as I now read what Narcissists are all about. I grew up in household full of them, attracted those predators, loved and broken hearted. Yet this one, the one I married, I thought was "the one" but little did I know he was the most cunning of them all. Playing the one who "feels" so knowledgeable about God and committed to our family....he told me "told", another telling word, at the end, knowing that the breaking up of the family, divorce, would be hard for me to handle, that "I never loved you, I never had a connection with you, and married you because "I" pitied you and wanted to help you with your dream of a family".
I was totally broken at the cool, calm, collected method he employed. I was broken, unable to even get up in the morning, the hurt was so deep, the cut so severe, unable to describe the depth of my despair. No words could adequately articulate the audacity and cruelty this N inflicted on us, as I try to compartmentalize us, to "his family". He betrayed us, lied to us, made promises he never kept, the list is never ending. I thought I was fairly intelligent, but as I read the "forgiveness article" I realize that I neglected the most important person, that was "my temple" my body, heart, soul, and mind belongs to God. My spirit was broken but with the spirit leading me, helping attract "like minded" individuals into my life, to help me through (with my child) navigate out of this quagmire and negative abyss left by the narcissist "abusive tactics", I am sure, in time, that all will fall into place.
Always forgive, especially yourself, and I pray with God's help, that my soul, my being, will finally heal, find healthier relationships, bring up my child in a healthy manner, get my health on track, get my child to unlearn unhealthy habits he was taught by his Dad, especially the way to treat females, to get through all these legalities, to have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. Just want to thank all those out there, involved in Narcissist Passive Aggressive relationships to continue sharing. This has helped me tremendously since I felt so isolated, alone, confused, lost, and now finding light through all the knowledge and sharing out there. So grateful, that I no longer feel alone, and faith has kept my love intact. I was given so much, it started with "life". Thank you Lord!
I am trying to make the best of our Christmas, preparing for Jesus, for he truly is the one who saves and heals all of us. god puts people in our path for a reason and Kathy's blog is spot on!I am finding more women, like me, who through their sharing, are helping me and my child to understand this "perfect good guy" who doesn't even call his child, who is punishing me (like jewel, he mentally, emotionally, financially, verbally abused) top that off with sexual abuse. I have been with my N husband for 21 years, we lived together for 2.7 years prior to being married. He told me cool,controlled, methodically, about wanting to be separated, how "this" relationship "served" him in his youth but no longer serves him now, he said " I have evolved' I am on a different path".
Noticing the key words "this" and "serve" instead of "our" and "shared" it was a one sided, non reciprocal relationship. I grew up, as I now read what Narcissists are all about. I grew up in household full of them, attracted those predators, loved and broken hearted. Yet this one, the one I married, I thought was "the one" but little did I know he was the most cunning of them all. Playing the one who "feels" so knowledgeable about God and committed to our family....he told me "told", another telling word, at the end, knowing that the breaking up of the family, divorce, would be hard for me to handle, that "I never loved you, I never had a connection with you, and married you because "I" pitied you and wanted to help you with your dream of a family".
I was totally broken at the cool, calm, collected method he employed. I was broken, unable to even get up in the morning, the hurt was so deep, the cut so severe, unable to describe the depth of my despair. No words could adequately articulate the audacity and cruelty this N inflicted on us, as I try to compartmentalize us, to "his family". He betrayed us, lied to us, made promises he never kept, the list is never ending. I thought I was fairly intelligent, but as I read the "forgiveness article" I realize that I neglected the most important person, that was "my temple" my body, heart, soul, and mind belongs to God. My spirit was broken but with the spirit leading me, helping attract "like minded" individuals into my life, to help me through (with my child) navigate out of this quagmire and negative abyss left by the narcissist "abusive tactics", I am sure, in time, that all will fall into place.
Always forgive, especially yourself, and I pray with God's help, that my soul, my being, will finally heal, find healthier relationships, bring up my child in a healthy manner, get my health on track, get my child to unlearn unhealthy habits he was taught by his Dad, especially the way to treat females, to get through all these legalities, to have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. Just want to thank all those out there, involved in Narcissist Passive Aggressive relationships to continue sharing. This has helped me tremendously since I felt so isolated, alone, confused, lost, and now finding light through all the knowledge and sharing out there. So grateful, that I no longer feel alone, and faith has kept my love intact. I was given so much, it started with "life". Thank you Lord!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
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